The body is stupid. Unlike the brain, it has not learned to vary its tricks to suit new situations.
Take how the body responds to wounds, for example. Say you have a cut or a scrape on your knee. Even if it resists infection, you’ll notice that it purges a small amount of clear, faintly yellowish fluid. (If you’ve ever pressed a bit too hard on scab, you’ll know what I’m talking about.) On external wounds, purging is a pretty good design concept. It washes potentially infectious crap out of the wound. Once the injury seals over, it creates a buffer zone between the wound and the scab. All in all, pretty clever. But the same system that works so well on the body’s surface becomes a liability if your wound is on the inside.
To be fair, there are some places in the body where a little fluid buildup is no big deal, the leg for instance. You may get a bit swollen, but the blood will carry the unwanted liquid off to your bladder eventually. The chest cavity, however, is another matter.
One of the stranger byproducts of heart surgery is chest-fluid purge created by the body in response to the incisions. If left to its own devices, it will fill all the available space inside the chest cavity. This is bad for a couple of reasons. For one, the same fluid that washes wounds clean on the outside becomes a stagnant, bacterial soup on the inside. For another, it can compress the lungs, making it difficult to breathe. This is why surgeons leave drainage tubes sticking out of patient’s abdomens.
Those tubes, of course, have to come out eventually. Sometimes, they come out too soon. Purge continues to accumulate. When that happens, you have to get the fluid out with a needle. A very big needle.
I’ve had this done exactly twice, and it is a surreal and frightening experience, even for an adult. The needle is inserted into your back. Despite the Novocain, you can feel it punching through the chest wall. They syringe attached to the needle is ridiculously large, like something out of a Warner Brothers’ cartoon. Purge fluid is slowly siphoned out of your chest and squirted into an IV bag. This can go on for thirty minutes or more. Sometimes you need more than one bag. The fluid itself is cola brown with a hint of cherry. You know you’re done when you feel the tip of the needle prick your lungs. The entire procedure hurts like a son of a bitch, but it beats being strangled slowly from within.
The last time I went through this, my surgeon removed one and three quarter liters of fluid from my chest. I didn’t quite beat the record for my hospital, which was two and a tenth. So you see, the body is stupid. Unlike the brain, it has not learned to vary its tricks to suit new situations. It will kill you if you let it.
Dave Hurwitz








